Unlearning Perfectionism: The Psychology of Good Enough
By Jenna Hollis | CBT Therapist
The Perfectionist Hangover
If you’ve ever rewritten an email ten times before hitting send, you already know what perfectionism feels like — a kind of quiet self-bullying disguised as “high standards.”
Perfectionism sounds noble on paper. Employers love it. Social media rewards it. But living with it? It’s exhausting. It’s like running a race that never ends, chasing approval you can’t ever seem to catch.
I should know. I used to believe that if I just worked harder, prepared more, and fixed every flaw, peace would eventually arrive.
Spoiler: it didn’t.
What’s Really Going On in a Perfectionist Brain
When we talk about perfectionism, we’re really talking about fear — fear of being judged, rejected, or not measuring up.
The perfectionist brain runs on a loop of “I’ll be enough when…” — and that “when” keeps moving. Neuroscience calls this the hedonic treadmill: once you reach one goal, your brain resets the bar higher.
It’s not ambition that burns you out; it’s the refusal to let yourself be unfinished.
Where It Starts
Most perfectionists didn’t wake up one morning and decide to torture themselves with to-do lists. They were rewarded for it — praised for effort, neatness, achievement.
That early feedback taught your brain: I’m lovable when I do well.
But conditional love creates conditional peace. You never get to rest.
By adulthood, that wiring runs deep. The same mechanism that got you straight A’s keeps you from enjoying your own success.
What “Good Enough” Actually Means
“Good enough” doesn’t mean careless. It means balanced. It means deciding that your well-being counts too.
Think of it like cooking. If you taste and adjust as you go, you’ll make something real. But if you chase the “perfect” recipe, you’ll over-season, overthink, and ruin dinner.
Good enough leaves room for flavor.
Tools That Actually Work
1. Set Finish Lines
Perfectionists never feel done. So define “done.” Before you start a task, decide: When will this be complete enough to serve its purpose? Then stop there. Don’t let the goal expand mid-flight.
2. Practice “Tiny Fails”
Do one thing imperfectly on purpose. Send an unedited text. Wear mismatched socks. Let yourself cringe and survive it. It rewires your nervous system to see that mistakes aren’t fatal.
3. Reframe Self-Criticism
Your inner critic isn’t evil — it’s scared. Ask it, What are you trying to protect me from? The moment you get curious instead of combative, it quiets down.
4. Catch the “Should” Voice
Any time you hear yourself saying, I should, pause. Replace it with, I could. That small shift turns pressure into choice.
When Perfectionism Becomes the Problem
Chronic perfectionism often hides anxiety, depression, or trauma. It’s the nervous system’s attempt to create control in a world that once felt unsafe.
If you find yourself losing sleep, avoiding rest, or equating mistakes with shame, that’s not personality — that’s pain. And it’s treatable.
The Summary
You don’t have to be flawless to be free. You just have to let your humanity count as part of the work.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is stop polishing and let yourself show through the cracks. That’s where people actually connect with you.
Author Bio
Jenna Hollis is a cognitive behavioral therapist who writes and teaches about perfectionism, anxiety, and emotional burnout. She believes therapy should sound like real conversation — not a textbook.
*Guest contributions reflect the personal experiences and perspectives of their authors. While every piece is reviewed for quality and respect, the ideas shared may differ from the views of Josh Dolin. Readers are encouraged to take what resonates and leave the rest.
