The Psychology of Compliments: Why We Struggle to Receive Praise
By Amina Rhodes | Social Psychologist
The Compliment Panic
Someone says, “You look great today!” And you — like a seasoned emotional acrobat — twist, duck, and toss it right back.
“Oh, this? It’s nothing.”
“It was on sale.”
“You’re the one who looks great!”
Why is it so hard to let praise land? We crave appreciation, yet flinch when it comes. The reason lies in a mix of social conditioning, brain chemistry, and self-concept — all quietly working together to make compliments feel like small emotional ambushes.
What Happens in the Brain When We’re Complimented
Compliments activate the same reward circuits as food and money — the ventral striatum and medial prefrontal cortex. But they also trigger the brain’s error-detection system when the compliment conflicts with self-image.
So, if someone says, “You’re so confident,” and your inner voice whispers, “If only you knew,” your brain experiences both pleasure and discomfort. The result? Awkward deflection.
This internal contradiction is what psychologists call cognitive dissonance — the mental tension that happens when praise doesn’t match belief.
The Social Conditioning of Humility
Many of us were raised to equate humility with modesty, and modesty with dismissal.
We learned that accepting praise might seem arrogant.
But modesty taken too far becomes self-erasure. When you deflect kindness, you don’t just reject the compliment — you reject connection.
Sociologists have found that compliment exchanges build micro-bonds. Each “thank you” is a small moment of shared warmth that strengthens trust. Declining it cuts that loop short.
Gender and Cultural Layers
Women, in particular, tend to downplay praise due to gendered social scripts: “Be likable, not proud.”
In collectivist cultures, people may deflect to preserve group harmony rather than highlight the individual.
These behaviors are culturally intelligent — but emotionally costly when internalized too deeply. Over time, they teach the brain that affirmation is unsafe.
How to Receive a Compliment Like You Mean It
1. Pause Before Reacting
Take a breath. Let your body register what was said before your reflex kicks in.
2. Say “Thank You” — and Stop There
You don’t owe an explanation or a return compliment. A clean “thank you” honors both giver and receiver.
3. Notice Your Inner Dialogue
If it says, “They didn’t mean it,” or “I don’t deserve that,” name it. Awareness breaks the reflex.
4. Practice in Low-Stakes Situations
Start with casual compliments — your cooking, your handwriting, your playlist. Train your brain to tolerate feeling good.
Connection Cue
A compliment is a bridge. It’s someone saying, “I see something beautiful in you.”
When you accept it, you let yourself be seen.
Receiving praise gracefully isn’t vanity — it’s vulnerability in its most generous form.
Author Bio
Amina Rhodes is a social psychologist who studies communication, self-concept, and human connection. Her work focuses on emotional literacy and how small social gestures create meaningful bonds.
*Guest contributions reflect the personal experiences and perspectives of their authors. While every piece is reviewed for quality and respect, the ideas shared may differ from the views of Josh Dolin. Readers are encouraged to take what resonates and leave the rest.
